Dhruva - The north star

We named him Dhruva. His name means " the north star" in Sanskrit. He has brought new meaning to our lives.He has taught me more in the last two year than I will ever learn in any school, college or university. He has truly shown me direction in my life. He is my first child and my only child as of now. So everyday was and is a new day for me in terms of motherly experiences. I was hospitalized for two days after Dhruva was born. The first night that Dhruva spent at home, I slept well. The reason being my father. He slept at the foot of Dhruva's baby bed and I woke up only to feed him. But from the next night onwards, I would wake up for every 5 mins to make sure that he was covered properly, or to check his diapers or just to simply make sure that he was breathing fine. I was never a night person. I was always someone who preferred to sleep early. My husband kept telling me how difficult it was going to be for me to wake up and take care of Dhruva's needs in the middle of the night. I never gave it a thought. It never bothered me too much.Neither was I afraid of changing my sleeping pattern nor was I concerned whether I would wake up to attend to him. And I was totally fine when I had to wake up. It happened like clockwork. Dhruva s last feeding before he hit the bed would be around 10:30pm. After which he would wake up three times before morning with an interval of 2-3 hours. I never thought that I would wake up, but I did. Each and every night, 3 times every night. It was like someone turned on a switch in my system. It was automatic. Motherhood came automatic to me after Dhruva was born. It was like magic. TRULY! After a few months, I would wake up absolutely thrilled and happy if Dhruva forgets his early morning feeding and slept through! Me and my husband would wake up with big smiles having slept through for 4 hours. Those days were tiring. But every little gesture , every little smile, every little goo goo gaa gaa made all the effort totally worth it and gave us strength for more.

I was always afraid of holding babies. I never knew and never had the inclination towards learning to deal with babies or small children. I grew up with my little cousins who were a good 10 years younger than me. But I could only play with them at a distance and never really had that motherly touch. I was not even close. But it started happening once I was pregnant. The first time that I heard him cry after my OB-GYN pulled him out, a dam burst and I was crying... I saw his tiny white body, clean and perfect. That was it, the switch was turned ON. There was no going back.

Everything happened slowly though. My mom, my sister and my grand mom spent close to 3 months with me during my 9th month and after Dhruva was born. So since I had my mom and sister sharing the task of taking care of Dhruva, I was able to relax. I was recently watching a few videos of Dhruva when he was a few months old. It was probably just after my folks left for India and I was alone with the baby after Sriram, my husband, had left for work. It was like watching a silent movie only with the babies' gurgles now and then. It was like he was trying to talk to me but I was not reciprocating. I was not doing the "baby talk" that normal parents do. He was trying to talk to me and was putting so much effort into shaking his feet and hands and making cute noises. But I was just dumb. I dont know why. I slowly started conversing with him. Now, I am non-stop when he is around. I cannot keep my hands off him. But I do regret not doing the "baby talk".